Giant Squid Layers and House Elf Battles
by Moony8193
Summary: In which James sings Honky Tonk Badonkadonk, Lily's friends get kidnapped to the Squid Layer, Peter plans his first prank, and house elf vs. giant spiders begins. Challenge fic. R&R please!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, except in book form, but not in license-y lawyer crappy way. **

**Probably the most random story ever! Well, Enjoy, and reviews are welcome!**

**XO **

Danielle 

**P.S. Wrote it for a challenge, tell me if you like it! **

_Challenge Rules:_

**1.) It MUST be Lily/James. **

**2.) Lily must be angry with James for some reason. No "I hate you" stuff. **

**3.) Lily and James must have recently broken up.**

**4.) Sirius, Remus, Peter, and some of Lily's friends are expected to be included. They may or may not help solve the fight. **

**5.) Sirius must be as random as ever. **

**6.) (Here's a tough one) Try...no swearing/cursing. Dun, dun, dun!**

**7.) The following words must be included in the story: **

-**Giant Squid **

**-Twitch (must be used frequently) **

**-"And the grand total shall be..." **

**-Bunny **

**8.) Professor Slughorn must show up every so often and offer everyone Crystallized Pineapple. **

**9.) Remus shall let go of his Bookworm-ish ways. **

**10.) Peter must actually say something. **

**11.) Can be set at anytime during Marauder's Hogwarts days. (No time travel!) **

**12.) Must be a one-shot. **

**13.) James must stand on a tabletop and belt out a Country song.**

**14.) Must take place at Hogwarts.**

**15.) Must end in the strangest possible way you can think of.**

**GIANT SQUID LAYERS AND HOUSE ELF BATTLES**

James sat staring into his bowl of pudding, which Sirius was desperately trying to eat by carving a whole in the table underneath it with his fork. Unfortunately, the tables are magically enchanted and cannot burn, break, or be carved into, but Sirius made a very valiant effort. Peter was flattening his already flat blonde hair in the back of the nearest spoon, muttering, "Why is it standing up? WHY?". Remus was staring quietly into space, vaguely humming the latest Beatles tune, planning several horrible deaths for Sirius, who had recently burnt down the library using a bunny, a pair of shoelaces and a piece of slightly burnt chocolate. 'I'll show you, McGiver!' he evilly cackled.

Sirius gave up on the bowl of pudding, Accio-ed a bowl of Rice Krispies from a rather skinny Ravenclaw, and had his ear now firmly placed in the cereal.

"Snap…. crackle…POP! Whoa, Twitch, dudes, this really DOES make sounds!" Sirius shouted into his cereal, which came out more as "Morrp gejh mok jor flick, Twitch!"

The other Marauders blatantly gave him odd looks and edged slightly away. James sighed and pushed away his half eaten bowl of pudding.

"Twitch, guys," he began, running a hand through his messy hair, "What am I gonna do?"

"Twitch, man, are you still sulking?" Peter asked.

Sirius raised himself up with his Rice Krispies beard.

"Seriously, Prongs, it's been like what, two hours! You should be over it by now! Twitch, you're insane!"

Just then, Slughorn popped out of nowhere, edging towards their table with a crazed look in his eyes, a box of crystallized pineapple in his hand.

"Everybody RUN!" Sirius bellowed, standing up. "It's Slughorn and his nasty candy!"

Screams of terror filled the hall as the students stampeded each other in their rush to get out the door.

"Shove down the weak!"

"Only the strong survive!"

"To the Giant Squid layer!" Sirius declared, amid random looks.

Once safely in their common room, Remus desperately trying to escape Sirius's 'rehab' for book addiction, James relived the nightmare with Lily. He had stood atop a table in the Great Hall after a bet with Amos Diggory, and belted out, amid a crowd of swooning Ravenclaws,

Turn it up some  
Alright boys, this is her favorite song  
You know that right  
So, if we play it good and loud  
She might get up and dance again  
Ooh, she put her beer down  
Here she comes  
Here she comes  
Left left left right left  
Whoo

Hustlers shootin' eightball  
Throwin' darts at the wall  
Feelin' darn near 10 feet tall  
Here she comes, Lord help us all  
Ol' T.W.'s girlfriend done slapped him outta his chair

Poor ole boy, it ain't his fault  
It's so hard not to stare  
At that honky tonk badonkadonk  
Keepin' perfect rhythm  
Make ya wanna swing along  
Got it goin' on  
Like Donkey Kong  
And whoo-wee  
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma  
There outta be a law  
Get the Sheriff on the phone  
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on  
That honky tonk badonkadonk

(Aww son)

Now Honey, you can't blame her  
For what her mama gave her  
It ain't gotta hate her  
For workin' that money-maker  
Band shuts down at two  
But we're hangin' out till three  
We hate to see her go  
But love to watch her leave

With that honky tonk badonkadonk  
Keepin' perfect rhythm  
Make ya wanna swing along  
Got it goin' on  
Like Donkey Kong  
And whoo-wee

Shut my mouth, slap your grandma  
There outta be a law  
Get the Sheriff on the phone  
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on  
With that honky tonk badonkadonk  
(Ooh, that's what I'm talkin' bout right there, honey)

We don't care bout the drinkin'  
Barely listen to the band  
Our hands, they start to shakin'  
When she gets the urge to dance  
Drivin' everybody crazy  
You think you fell in love  
Boys, you better keep your distance  
You can look but you can't touch  
That honky tonk badonkadonk  
Keepin' perfect rhythm  
Make ya wanna swing along  
Got it goin' on  
Like Donkey Kong  
And whoo-wee  
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma  
There outta be a law  
Get the Sheriff on the phone  
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on

That honky tonk badonkadonk  
That honky tonk badonkadonk  
Yeah, that honky tonk badonkadonk

(That's it, right there boys,  
That's why we do what we do  
It ain't for the money,  
It ain't for the glory,  
It ain't for the free whiskey

It's for the badonkadonk)

Lily had been so offended, shouted at James in front of the entire Hall, and stomped out, screaming, "We're THROUGH!"

Sighing, James sat down in a chair near the fire. Suddenly, the flames turned green and out stepped Slughorn!

"How'd YOU get in here? Sometimes the Fat Lady doesn't even let ME and SIRIUS in!" James shouted.

"Crystallized pineapple?"

"NOWHERE'S SAFE!!!!" Sirius bellowed. "QUICK; TO THE SQUID LAYER!"

"It's not built yet!" Peter shouted at him. "The first years are still working on the tunnel!"

"AHHH! THEN JUST RUN AWAY!"

All the Gryffindors stampeded for the common room door, shoving down the second years.

Lily stampeded as well, whole-heartedly shoving a red headed third year down in the process.

"Out of the way, Maureen!" she snapped at the bleeding girl being dragged back into the common room by her legs, screaming and clawing.

"Help me! I'm your cousin, you stupid twitch!" Maureen begged.

Lily hesitated, and that's when it happened.

A terrified fourth year shoved Lily out of his way, and Lily fell. It was the end. She could see the light- wait SMELL the light of crystallized pineapple horror coming nearer, when suddenly someone strong picked her up and carried her out of the room. Because he was a true Gryffindor. He was strong, and brave, and true, and Lily had never been so glad to see…

James Potter.

Well that's a letdown.

"Put me down you bloody twitch!" she shouted.

James did, and she stomped away, as angry as ever, in search for her two best friends, Lacey and Karen. But no matter where she went, Lily couldn't find them. Where were Lacey and Karen?

Lacey and Karen were currently tied up in the half-completed Squid Layer, having been kidnapped by the Marauders minus James. Once untied, the two very pissed off girls were explained the current situation with James and Lily, and how to get them back together.

"We're like playing matchmakers? That is SO fetch!" Lacey exclaimed.

"Twitch," Remus corrected.

"No, it's definitely fetch," Karen argued.

"Twitch!"

"FETCH!"

"POTATO!" Sirius shouted.

"So how are we going to get them back together?" Lacey asked.

"Well, we're going to Imperius them both and –

"Sirius!"

"Fine, we'll do it Peter's way," Sirius grumbled.

…………

That night at dinner, Lacey sat with Remus, Karen with Sirius, Lily by herself, and James with Peter. Lily was furious her best friends had ditched her for a couple of MARADUERS. Halfway through dinner, the plan went into action.

"Gosh Remus, I love you SO much!" Lacey recited.

"Yeah, Siri, we're going to be together forever!" Karen smiled.

Grimacing, the boys both planted kisses on their 'girls'.

"Gosh, Siri," Karen said as she wiped her mouth and tongue on a napkin, frowning and making faces, "You are SUCH a good kisser!"

"You too, Remus!" Lacey said, just a little bit more convincing.

Lily gagged loudly and James and Peter snickered.

"In fact the only one who I hear is a better kisser is James!" Lacey said.

James gagged on his orange juice and Lily sent her friends a horrified stop-talking look.

"Who told you that?" Peter asked.

"Lily of course!" Karen said brightly. "She's always like 'I love James so much, isn't he SO sexy when he plays Quiditch? He has PERFECT hair! So messy and sexy! We're going to be forever together! I hope we get married someday'!"

Lily blushed furiously as the Gryffindors roared with laughter.

"Lily?" James asked tentatively. "Do you really love me?"

"Why?" Lily snapped at him.

"Because I really love you."

Lily smiled at him. "I love you too, James, and as long as you promise NEVER to sing a song like 'honky tonk badonkadonk' on top of a table, I want to go out with you again."

"Done."

James climbed over the table and kissed Lily passionately. The entire hall cheered. But where was Professor McGonagall?

Just then, McGonagall crashed through a wall riding a giant spider with a herd of them following her. The Great Hall doors burst open, and in came Dobby, leading all the house elves in the school with swords and clubs.

"We fight for freedom!" Dobby squeaked.

"I fight because…well…I don't know!" screamed McGonagall.

"Charge!" The house elves screamed.

As the bloody battle raged on, spiders vs. house elves, the Gryffindors cowered underneath their seats, and Slughorn ran around the battlefield offering crystallized pineapple to all the dying house elves.

"Would you like some candy, bleeding to death house elf?"

"No- ah! I have to accept because I have no choice!!" the house elf shrieked.

"Really?" Slughorn mused, looking at the house elves all over the floor, "This could work out QUITE nicely."

THE END


End file.
